Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes,

My girlfriend and I are both in our early twenties, and are each other’s first relationship. We just celebrated our first anniversary recently.

I confess I lost interest in sex because she takes really long to reach orgasm. I usually only need only about 5 minutes to climax, while she takes about one hour and a half of fingering and cunnilingus to climax.

I tried asking her to explore other positions, maybe use toys, or ask her if I’m touching the right places, but she claims that she’s not sure, so I don’t know how to improve my performance.

Does it make me a bad partner that I try to avoid sex with her because after every time that we do it, my tongue and my hand feel like falling off?

The act of love making stopped feeling like a pleasurable activity and instead felt like a chore. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching her feel pleasure but I am just more tired than anything.

Any insights, please? Thank you.

– Ace

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Dear Ace,

Thank you for your email.

Conversations between partners about sex are often notoriously difficult to navigate, particularly among those relatively inexperienced. Sex usually has mutual pleasure as one of the main objectives and so it ideally requires sensitive and considerate communication if problems arise.

In your case, Ace, it appears that your efforts to improve matters have so far been stymied but of course this does not mean that all is lost.

From an evolutionary perspective, it is generally true that in order to achieve orgasm women typically seek an emotional connection/trust, need to feel safe and comfortable, and experience reduced stress and anxiety.

The question then arises, Ace, whether your partner (let’s call her Cara) has problems achieving orgasm because she senses/knows about your general ambivalence towards sex and the fact that for you it has increasingly become a chore rather than a pleasure. If this is the case, then orgasm may be difficult for Cara psychologically, whatever you do physically.

All the best,

– JAF Baer

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Dear Ace and, consequently, Mr Baer:

Please forgive me for editing out your concerns regarding asexuality, which I thought we could answer more comprehensively, by devoting another column to it.

Consequently, Mr Baer, please forgive me for excising your wonderfully well thought out answers to Mr Ace’s concerns about asexuality, as I thought they deserved an entirely different column in which to include them.

My bad, but I hope, also my better judgment. Should you, however, disagree, my deepest apologies.

– MG Holmes

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Dear Ace,

First of all, thank you so much for being so honest and comprehensive in your letter. Most men in this era are frightened to come cross as selfish or “too macho” that they dare not say what they truly feel.

“Does it make me a bad partner that I try to avoid sex with her?”

“every time that we do it, my tongue and hands feel like falling off.”

“Love making stopped feeling like a pleasurable activity; instead feels like a chore.”

Wow. WOW. Never have we read such a no-holds-barred letter, and yet, from my clinical practice, I know many men share similar feelings, but it doesn’t happen until a minimum of two sessions before they feel safe enough to do so. So thank you for that too.

You voiced such “inappropriate views” and to be as truthful as you, I may respond just as “inappropriately” as you, ok?

But, like your views, they will be as close to my feelings (mainly based on clinical practice) as they can possibly be.

To continue with Mr Baer’s evolutionary explanation, because both men and women want as many of their genes to thrive into future generations, men usually need less (effort and time) to come/ejaculate since this is the least expensive, easiest, and “fun-nest” way to make women pregnant. Alas, whether a woman gets an orgasm or not, is immaterial to their getting pregnant. But this is not an excuse for poor lovemaking, let me just quickly add here.

Not only evolutionarily, but also historically (both in terms of the prevailing culture the woman has grown up in, and in terms of her own personal history) it usually takes women, including your girlfriend Cara, longer to come. All things being equal, women who come more quickly make themselves more vulnerable than women who do not.

You have suggested options and asked questions to further explore the reasons Cara takes a long time to reach climax. That is what a caring partner would do.

Her response of “she’s not sure” can be honest and just as loving, if she misunderstood your concern, and thus just needs you to rephrase your concern better. That is why, MR Baer’s suggestion of a “full and frank conversation,” albeit potentially painful, is necessary. Otherwise, Mr Baer’s hypothesis that “Cara (takes longer) because she senses/knows about your general ambivalence towards sex and/or (that) it has increasingly become a chore rather than a pleasure” may ring even more true than it already is. That would be a tragedy, especially since all it might needs clearer communication from you.

So please step up to the plate, dearest Ace, and let her know exactly how you feel. There is nothing wrong in feeling tired after having sex for 90 — or even 60 — minutes.

Contrary to popular belief, many women are exhausted after 25 minutes of penetration.

The important thing is to come across the way you have in this letter: honest, curious, eager to find mutually satisfying “solutions” or better yet, alternatives, and definitely non judgmental and without blame.

The sooner you tell her, the less you will feel oppressed and the less you will be judgmental or resentful when you share your feelings with her. If you keep your feelings hidden, you may very well burst from frustration and misperceive her as selfish.

But it would not be her fault at all, you see. A lot could be miscommunication; also misperception.

Not only may Cara have not picked up on how tiring sex has become for you, she may have also been “mis-educated,” believing that, being the man, you and you alone were responsible to make her come. The more accurate and far more realistic perception is that each person is responsible for their own orgasm, and if particularly blessed, will have a partner/s willing to do whatever it takes to ensure this happens… within acceptable limits.

And yes, it would be perfectly acceptable for many that 90 minutes would be way beyond the limit.

The less you keep things from your partner, the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, giving her permission to be just as open with you, thus resulting in your becoming closer and being even more (emotionally) intimate.

Another reason might be that she truly doesn’t know, but then again, it doesn’t mean it has to stop there. When she says “I don’t know,” you can follow up with “Let’s try and figure it out together, shall we?”

There are so many reasons your sex lives may need deeper exploration. One is that exploration (often, the deeper the better), can be loads of fun! The other is that, you are both virgins at relationships and that takes a lot of learning, “mis”-learning, and going back and learning some more! This includes how you have sex with each other.

HOWEVER… should sharing your truth lovingly and non-blamingly as well as being as loving and supportive as you possibly can NOT result in greater intimacy, God forbid — should it, in fact, lead to resentment and/or tears (from her) and guilt (within you), then, dearest Ace, I think it is time to consider other relationship alternatives for you both.

Harsh, I know, but possibly far more realistic than anything else.

I hope our answers — Mr Baer’s definitely, if not mine — leads to some clarification, and, hopefully, some peace?

Wishing you all the best,

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.