Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I am currently in my final year of college, pursuing a Bachelor of Science in Hospitality Management. While many see this stage as the culmination of years of hard work, it also brings an overwhelming mix of excitement and uncertainty.
People often tell me I’m “almost perfect.” They admire my looks, height, intelligence, character, faith, kindness, humor, and everything in between.
For over a decade, I’ve dedicated myself to serving my community, organizing events that bring joy and support to the children in our hacienda. This passion led me to join pageants, where I’ve found a platform to advocate for causes close to my heart. The compliments I receive — from “You can go far” to “You have so much potential” — are deeply encouraging.
But they also leave me with a lingering question: How far can I really go?
There are nights when I find myself questioning if I’m on the right path. The feeling is overwhelming and terrifying.
Like every student, I once dreamed of graduating, landing a good job, and eventually building a family. But now, when I pause to reflect, I find myself asking, “parang pwede bang mag aral na lang ako ng mag aral?”(Is it ok if I just continue studying for the rest of my life?) That I would not face the pressure of finding a job, earning money, and striving for a rich and fulfilling life. It’s scary to step into a world where expectations feel so heavy. Sometimes, staying in the realm of books, lectures, and growth without limits feels like the safer choice.
– Clara
Dear Clara,
Many facing a future which requires them to get a job and earn a living would welcome the choice you face — pageants, community work, graduate studies, or a career. But having more choices does not necessarily bring greater joy. In fact, it could be argued that it brings greater doubt.
However, it seems that having the luxury to choose also affords you the option to pursue more than one option simultaneously, or indeed to choose one knowing that if it doesn’t work out, others are immediately available.
So for example you could try the academic route, knowing that if it is not ultimately as rewarding as you had hoped, community work or a career are alternatives.
The only option that is time sensitive is pageants since these generally favor young contestants so if you are sufficiently motivated to continue that passion, perhaps you should prioritize that unless you also want to be involved in pageant management.
All these bring their own rewards, each very different, but they are not necessarily either/or choices. Plenty of people combine work with studying, for example, especially if they are not yet at that stage in their lives when they are ready to choose a single path.
So enjoy the opportunity now to sample the alternatives until the right choice eventually becomes clear.
All the best,
JAF Baer
Dear Clara,
Thank you very much for your letter. The trepidation you feel about going out into the “real world” is understandable. Many college seniors, especially those used to success and kudos from countless people, sometimes have a greater fear than others who have known failure and survived (and oftentimes thrived).
The more cynical (and nasty) would say, of course those that have failed before have had practice at failing, so doing so after graduation won’t be THAT big a deal for them.
Actually, it still would, but perhaps it wouldn’t be as difficult for them to rise after that fall… unlike for you, as you’ve had “no practice” at failure, and perhaps worry about things others don’t have to. Things like, “What will other people say?”
The others know it doesn’t really matter what they say.
Another worry might be: “I’ve never failed at college; this is why so many people look up to me. But what if it won’t be the same once I graduate?” Maybe it will or maybe it won’t, but the only way you’ll find out is if you try, right?
Parents are now instructed to praise their children not for getting that A or winning that sport but for trying their best and showing up. Because that is what really matters, isn’t it? Plus, in truth, that is the only thing under their control — their effort and not whether they win or lose.
If a child is praised for getting an A or winning a pageant, then the child might worry about failing because that would mean no more kudos from her parents, the people that matter most to her. Does it sound a little bit like your experience, dearest Clara?
You are someone everyone looks up to — as you probably have been your entire life. What if things change after college? After you enter the “real world”?
This is a fear comes with graduating and entering a new life: the “What if?” fear.
Perfectly understandable, but perhaps a little more frightening for you because of your “perfect record” in the past.
Oh, Clara, maybe the best thing I can say to you right now is to savor the joy of graduation and, remember that, in the words of author and poet Maria Popova, “The cruel kindness of life is that our sturdiest fulcrum of transformation is the devastation of our hopes and wishes — the losses, the heartbreaks, the diagnoses that shatter the template of the self, leaving us to reconstitute a new way of being from the rubble. In those moments, brutal and inevitable, we come to realize that no prayer or protest will bend reality to our will,… Suffering, surrender, transformation — this may be the simplest formulation of the life process. It is the evolutionary mechanism of adaptation by which every creature on Earth became what it is. It is the existential mechanism by which we become who we are.”
In other words, dearest Clara, after graduation, you will become even more of who you are, who you truly can be.
I can’t wait to see that happening, Clara, and I hope you will start feeling the same too!
All the best,
MG Holmes